Help! My spark plug is busted!

We get some interesting email because of our domain name. Sure, it makes sense that the folks at SPARKPLUG.COM should know something about spark plugs. But seriously, let's make something clear, just in case you're wondering:

We don't know the gap setting for your '93 Mercury Villager.

We hear "gap" and we think David Letterman and Lauren Hutton, khaki pants and swing tunes. But that doesn't keep us from getting goofy email from all over the world. We hope you enjoy these as much as we have.   : )

We considered sending a reply to this gentleman pointing out two great features of the keyboard: the period (.) key and the CAPS LOCK key. But then we thought he might come kill us. (Warning: This email might cause severe convulsing in English majors.)

We replied that, yes, it was entirely possible that his spark plugs had indeed "deffected", although this problem is seen most often in older Eastern European and Soviet vehicles like the "Volga 21". And this would also explain the poor gas mileage. We suggested he either consider purchasing a Western truck, or contact Bosch directly to see if they had any plugs that were "attitude synchronized". Haven't heard back.

A tale of woe. (Or is that "whoa"...?)

Damn those spark plug cable switching hooligans! We suggested that he just hook 'em up any old way; it doesn't really matter. (Does it?)

Points for both brevity and mystery on this one:

We replied that, unfortunately, we are currently out of stock of the "z9y". But we suggested that he might consider an alternative plug like the "R2D2", the "AK-47", or the "Jackson 5". We're still waiting for his order.

Boy do we know spark plugs! Check it out:

We replied that, yes, we have heard of all of these spark plugs and then gave an elaborate comparison:

  • Torque Master - Excellent for handheld electrical devices in your home dungeon. We use them ourselves.
  • Brisk 360 Degrees - These are the new deodorant spark plugs that not only fire with a comfortable 3mm gap but also keep you dry and clean smelling all day long.
  • TOA 360 Degrees Prototype - These are the original prototype of the deodorant spark plugs and should not be used in a production vehicle as they are Ticklish On Arrival.
  • Champion EON - Not recommended. Endlessly Oppressive Noise.
  • Beru - The spark plugs used to power the car driven by Luke Skywalker's aunt.

Here's that gosh-darned "gap" question we keep hearing about:

We suggested a 3-inch gap on that sucker. Haven't heard back.

As you can see, we seem to have a serious quality control problem with our online spark plug ordering system.

We apologized for not sending him the "surface gap plugs". (Yeah, we'd like to know what those are too.) We suggested that he could get the spark plugs to properly face the injection sender (whatever that is) by rotating them 180-degrees (more or less). We also mentioned he could get the "proper tork" by simply "reefing on that baby." No word back yet.

We think this guy needs to throttle back just a little...

"Just one more tweak and I think I've got it..." KA-FLOOM!

We thought this guy was a little rude, asking us all these "personnel" questions and stuff. But being customer-oriented, we let it slide.

We replied that "EFI" stands for "Electronic Fowl Injection" and that it is definitely not the same as a spark plug. We explained that an EFI plug is like a standard "plug", but uses an electonic delivery system. It is commonly used to keep chickens, ducks, geese, etc. from reproducing. No word back yet.

We were a little worried that if we poked too much fun at this guy, he might threaten us with military action.

We suggested that he could correct that darned corrosion problem by applying a thick coating of "Pam". (It's always worked for us!) No word back.

Question: What do you call a corporation that works with cars? That's right: a "carporation".

Now the funny thing is that we haven't replied to this guy. We get the feeling that he's still perched over his computer frantically clicking "Check Mail". Hee hee...

Forget formalities like saying "hi", using punctuation, or even lower case letters. Just get straight to the point, dammit!

We replied that it isn't necessary to invest in a special type of spark plug. We told him that he could get this effect with any ordinary spark plug by squirting lighter fluid directly into the tailpipe. Haven't heard back.

Okay, now this one is just too damn funny...

We replied that making a "sparkplup" is tricky, but doable. First, you have to take a functioning spark plug and connect it to a power source. Then get a bucket of water and stand in it, preferably barefoot. Now, holding the spark plug in one hand, hit that power switch. At precisely the same time that the electrical current courses through the wires and the spark plug fires, drop it in the water for that oh-so familiar "plup" sound. Thus, a "spark" "plup".

Anybody who knows us knows that we are always happy to help...

We told him that on the 1982-84 Buick Regal the fire order is 1-2-3-4, but on the 1985 Regal they changed it to 5-6-7-8. (Yeah, we have no idea what that means either, but it sounds good.)

Clearly, this guys knows nothing about spark plugs...

We patiently explained that the ZFR5F-11 is far superior to the BKR5EIX-11. (Like, duh. What a newbie question.) However, we pointed out that if you're talking about the older version of the ZFR5F-11, the ZFR5F-10, well then yes, the BKR5EIX-11 is a totally better plug. But while the ZFR5F-11 is a decent choice, the absolute best way to go is to get the new plug by Lucas Industries called the OBI-1-KENOBI. This plug is not only an "extended tip plug", it also features revolutionary new technology that can "Jedi Mind Trick" your engine into thinking it has twice as many cylinders. No word back.

We're still trying to figure out this one. ¿Habla español?

(¿Otras firmas del diseño mantienen a un mecánico auto bilingue en el personal para estas ocasiones?)

The truth: All these emails are 100% real, but we didn't actually send the replies above. (We're quite nice, really.) Instead, we replied to each inquiry explaining that we are a design firm that knows nothing (or less) about automotive stuff. We directed all these folks to sparkplugs.com, an online retailer of hard-to-find spark plugs.